What's your purpose? Do you know?
I'm not entirely sure I know mine..
My Bible Study is currently reading
Praying for Purpose for Women by Katie Brazelton, so I'm hoping to glean a lot during this time. The chapters are short and concise, and it's intended to be read and prayed about each day. The tough (and good) thing about the book is all of the questions. Each chapter focuses on something in your life to really get you thinking and praying about your life, your time, your purpose.
And it's hard. For example:
What's confused in your life?
What's right and what's wrong in your life?
How do you define success?
This last question really had me thinking. Obviously, much of the world defines success by wealth. How big your house is, what car you drive, what labels you wear, how big your bank account is.
This has never been my view, although I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't say having a fat wallet sounded pretty nice and comfy. Duh.
For me, success is so personal and honestly, dependent on the time in your life.
I remember a few years ago, when I was laid off and unemployed for a summer, I really struggled with this. Oh, sure, I enjoyed having my days free, perusing thrift stores, working on projects around the house and just taking it easy overall. But one day in particular, I just couldn't wrap my mind around what it was I was supposed to be doing, and it had me in tears. I was sending out my resume, applying for jobs, and yes, keeping busy at home. But for what? To what end? My home wasn't any cleaner. Dinners were not any more elaborate. I certainly wasn't suddenly winning any wife of the year awards. I enjoyed painting rooms in our home and doing project after project, but who, besides me, was enjoying it? I think my hubby likes things I do around the house just fine, but I don't think anything was blowing his socks off or anything.
And now? I feel like it's,
is my husband happy? is my baby happy and healthy? am I being a good wife/mother/daughter/friend? am I spending enough time in prayer? have I had some time alone to do something I enjoy?
None of those things has to do with "work", you might notice. I still work part time (from home), but frankly, I no longer feel much like an employee. Maybe that has to do with being at home.. not having to drive to and from the office, having flexibility in my schedule, clocking in in my yoga pants.
Or maybe it has to do with being a mom. I feel like my life and purpose took a very clear and decided turn when I had Evie. I punched out for maternity leave, and frankly, could have never looked back. I always enjoyed my job, but it was never this amazing, fulfilling career that I couldn't step away from. In some ways I'm thankful for that. Yes, it would have been nice to have a big, successful, high-paying career, like many women do before kids, but I think that would have made it a little bit harder to walk away from.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I knew I would love it and was so excited for that time in my life. And it's wonderful. But full disclosure- I get why some moms go back to work, even if they don't financially have to. Crying babies are hard. Babies that won't sleep are hard. Tantrums are hard. Cleaning up mess after mess after mess all the livelong day is hard.
Don't get me wrong- I absolutely love it. Not every single minute of every single day, but I do love being home with my girl and wouldn't trade it for the world. But it's becoming more and more clear to me that I need that time alone in order to be a good mom. To be successful as a mom. An outlet to be alone, quite, creative. I used to be a little embarrassed/sheepish when I told people that my mother in law watched Evie for a few hours, twice a week. I don't work the entire time she's gone, but have time to get things done at home as well. In peace. And frankly, I need that. I feel rejuvenated, relaxed, and ready to see my girl and play with her and love on her. Are we blessed to have this set-up? You bet. Should I feel bad about it? I don't really think so. If I'm striving to be the best mom and wife I can be, knowing I need some alone time and taking Grandma up on her offer to help is a win-win.
But back to the question- what's my purpose? Is it simply to be a good mom? To teach my daughter about Jesus and loving people and being thankful for all that we've been given and to be kind and respectful?
In short, no. I don't think that's my only purpose. A big one, right now? Yes. But I think there's more. And I'm hoping to find out what it is.
So what do you think your purpose is right now? Do you know? Have you been successful at your purpose? I'm so curious to know what others see their purpose and success as.
