Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Winter Song

This is my winter song..
December never felt so wrong
Cause you're not where you belong
Inside my heart

Is love alive?..

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Last week I was pregnant.. or at least I thought I was. A life, a child was growing inside of me.. so I thought.

Our baby's heart stopped beating at 7 weeks and 3 days. Just days after we saw her for the first and only time.. heard her heart beat fast and strong. For weeks my body has deceived me, letting me believe I was nurturing our growing baby. But she was gone..

I've been wrestling with what to share on this blog and what to keep private.. I had a post all ready to share with you last Thursday about our excitement at being 13 weeks pregnant.. a third of my way to a child in my arms. It's all I've ever wanted. I was scheduled to see my doctor that afternoon and thought that would be a good and safe day to share our happy news..

I just feel so different now. Like I'm a different person altogether.. maybe I am.

I thought about taking a break from this blog and coming back in a few weeks with a mildly humorous story of our guest bathroom makeover or a recounting of my crazy New Year's Eve in Kansas City 4 or 5 years ago.. and maybe no one would be the wiser.. but I think of the 10 or so people that read this blog, most of you are my family and close friends, and you already know that I was pregnant last week. And this week I am not.

I started to bleed and cramp Tuesday night. We guessed it was nothing- normal even- but decided to check it out anyway. I was scared but sure all was fine..

Our worst fear was realized.. our baby's heart had stopped beating weeks ago.

And my heart broke.

I have been very blessed in my life- this is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. My husband has not been so lucky, which hurts me even more.. to be a part of more pain for him..

I had a D and C on Friday afternoon. I couldn't have any food or drink after midnight on Thursday, which meant no pain medication beforehand. Obviously I don't know what actual labor feels like, but I think I now have a good idea.. my body contracted every one or two minutes and I've never felt anything like it..

Now I just feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Up and even.. and then crashing down. How do you explain to someone you love that you're just sad? That's all.. sad. And it's a sadness that has no respect for the other aspects of your life- your work, your responsibilities..

I'm not worried about becoming depressed- I know myself too well and see things as a whole too clearly to be completely overcome. But for now, I'm letting myself be swept away when the feelings come. I know it's hard on my husband- I wish it weren't. All he wants to do is comfort me.

Did you know I'm married to the best man in the world? I am.

I rest in the knowledge that our baby- fearfully and wonderfully made.. knit together in my womb- is in heaven with Jesus. What better place could she be?

Thank you to all who have and are continuing to pray for us.. I covet them right now.

The only thing I have ever known with certainty is that I was made to be a mother. It's the only thing I have ever longed for, without a moment of hesitation or thought...

And I know I will be. One day.


Sunday, December 20, 2009

o Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways..
.. Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there..
.. if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When i was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139


i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Holiday Festivities

So I thought I would do a post this season about all my fantabulous Christmas decorations, from the finely strung twinkle lights gracing the outside of our house.. to the gorgeously glam, self-chopped evergreen tree from our backyard, with it's individually place tinsel.. to my magazine-worthy fireplace mantel and winter wonderland themed dining room.
Yeeeahhhhhh.... Not. So. Much.

We finally got around to pulling out my skinny, little (fake) Christmas Tree from Target, along with the rest of our Christmas decorations last Saturday evening. I started out with great expectations for how the night would go.. I had the fireplace ablaze, my favorite Christmas movie was on (White Christmas), and I was happily wrapping presents while hubby attempted to assemble the tree.

Let me say here, that I could probably have whipped that baby together and had her up in a matter of minutes. With my eyes closed. I bought the tree sometime in college, so by my calculations, have put it up for at least the last 6 or 7 years. I could count ours as my longest relationship to date (Sorry babe).

But I was busy wrapping and hubs wanted to do it. So two hours later (kidding, kidding), the tree is up and we have successfully strung some multi-colored lights.

And this is where our little night of decorating takes an ugly turn. No, no, nothing untoward happened.. basically I pulled out all of the ornaments and laid them out across the coffee table, then proceeded to take a break and chow down on the yummy pizza hubby had brought home. The carb overload got the best of me, and the rest of the night's activities could really only fall under the category of me laying around getting "Fat & Sassy." Hubs eventually threw everything back into the box and squirreled it away in our 3rd bedroom with all the other needless junk we must never get rid of. For some reason, his tolerance level for half finished projects laying around the house is much, much lower than mine...

So here is what I have to share with you lovelies:

1. A dinky Christmas tree that, I think I've decided, will not have a single ornament hung from it's branches this year. I'm over it.

2. Some nicely wrapped gifts, with purple post-it notes on them for tags. Yes, yes, I will eventually put on real tags- I do have some standards!

And that's it. We do have lights up outside, and of course our stockings are hung, but beyond that... meh. I must say, I do feel a tad bit guilty about the lack of festiveness in our house this year, but we aren't having any guests or parties and I think our 10 kids will work it out down the line in group therapy.



We don't have 10 kids, and so, the only one who might actually be affected is this guy, and I think he looks pretty content.

How are your decorations coming along?? They can't be any worse than this!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Modern Family

Hi, long time no see! No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the earth... just been.. BUSY.

Work has been super busy, which is good. And frankly I'm not loving the whole time change, which yes, I know, happened over a month ago, but it's really cramped my style. I don't like my evenings being cut off by darkness before I even pull into the driveway. You would think I'd be used to it by now, but no, no I'm not. I also haven't quite wrapped my head around the fact that it's December already! I am seriously not prepared for the holiday decorating or Christmas shopping...

Anyhoo, I was compelled back to the realm of blogs this afternoon by my friend Katie. She is a dedicated blogger- not one to be swayed by the changing seasons or lost daylight- unlike moi. Yesterday she mentioned one of her new favorite shows, Modern Family, and I just had to keep the love going. Seriously people, if you have not seen this show, you are totally missing out.

Here are a few clips, for your viewing pleasure:

See what I mean!!??

And I promise to be a better blogger! Pinky swear!! :)
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