Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Winter Song

This is my winter song..
December never felt so wrong
Cause you're not where you belong
Inside my heart

Is love alive?..

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Last week I was pregnant.. or at least I thought I was. A life, a child was growing inside of me.. so I thought.

Our baby's heart stopped beating at 7 weeks and 3 days. Just days after we saw her for the first and only time.. heard her heart beat fast and strong. For weeks my body has deceived me, letting me believe I was nurturing our growing baby. But she was gone..

I've been wrestling with what to share on this blog and what to keep private.. I had a post all ready to share with you last Thursday about our excitement at being 13 weeks pregnant.. a third of my way to a child in my arms. It's all I've ever wanted. I was scheduled to see my doctor that afternoon and thought that would be a good and safe day to share our happy news..

I just feel so different now. Like I'm a different person altogether.. maybe I am.

I thought about taking a break from this blog and coming back in a few weeks with a mildly humorous story of our guest bathroom makeover or a recounting of my crazy New Year's Eve in Kansas City 4 or 5 years ago.. and maybe no one would be the wiser.. but I think of the 10 or so people that read this blog, most of you are my family and close friends, and you already know that I was pregnant last week. And this week I am not.

I started to bleed and cramp Tuesday night. We guessed it was nothing- normal even- but decided to check it out anyway. I was scared but sure all was fine..

Our worst fear was realized.. our baby's heart had stopped beating weeks ago.

And my heart broke.

I have been very blessed in my life- this is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. My husband has not been so lucky, which hurts me even more.. to be a part of more pain for him..

I had a D and C on Friday afternoon. I couldn't have any food or drink after midnight on Thursday, which meant no pain medication beforehand. Obviously I don't know what actual labor feels like, but I think I now have a good idea.. my body contracted every one or two minutes and I've never felt anything like it..

Now I just feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Up and even.. and then crashing down. How do you explain to someone you love that you're just sad? That's all.. sad. And it's a sadness that has no respect for the other aspects of your life- your work, your responsibilities..

I'm not worried about becoming depressed- I know myself too well and see things as a whole too clearly to be completely overcome. But for now, I'm letting myself be swept away when the feelings come. I know it's hard on my husband- I wish it weren't. All he wants to do is comfort me.

Did you know I'm married to the best man in the world? I am.

I rest in the knowledge that our baby- fearfully and wonderfully made.. knit together in my womb- is in heaven with Jesus. What better place could she be?

Thank you to all who have and are continuing to pray for us.. I covet them right now.

The only thing I have ever known with certainty is that I was made to be a mother. It's the only thing I have ever longed for, without a moment of hesitation or thought...

And I know I will be. One day.



  1. Aja, you are in my prayers. I wish there was more I could do, but I know that sometimes that is the most important thing anyone can do. Love you.

  2. Praying for you right at this moment, new friend. I'm glad you chose to share your pain with us. I believe there is healing in sharing. It's good for our burdens to be shared with others. Hold onto hope. :)


  3. as your mother my pain too is great...mothers don't want their children to ever experience "any" pain..... I too hold you up in prayer for I know the one who will heal your broken heart. I agree with the others it was brave of you to share, for much healing comes as you reach out to others. we are all here for you. i love you

  4. I am so, so sorry to hear this. My heart is breaking for you. I am praying for you and will continue to do so. Hang in there and rely on Him for strength...He will get you through it.

  5. Oh Aja...my heart absolutely breaks for you. Tears are running down my cheeks as I read this blog, and I'm so sorry that no words or gestures can take your pain away...I wish I could take it away. I love you so much.

    Jeremiah 29:11
    "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, Plans to give you a hope and a future."

    I don't, nor will I ever understand why these things happen, but I do know that someday you will be reunited with your baby in Heaven.

    Love you!

    Sarah M

  6. Bless your heart. I will lift you up in my prayers and think of you often. I know the hurt is deep and I pray that your dreams do come true soon. Gods will ...will be done and I hope that includes a baby for you. ((hugs)) I am so honored that you made a I am sign and I cant wait to see yours. Take care sweet friend! Susie~

  7. Sending many prayers to you and your husband - God has a plan for us all and you will one day make a great mother!

  8. Just found your blog and am so sorry for your lost. I lost a baby when I was almost 7 months along and it was the hardest thing that I have every been through. It has been 12 years and I still get weepy sometimes. Be blessed.

  9. Aja, Just came across your blog from the frame entry and google directing me. Came to the December post... love to you and your lovely husband.

    My son Seth was diagnosed with liver disease last year and underwent a liver transplant not too soon after. I was sad. I am sad. I am recovering and have my baby, although life will never be the same. Not for us, not for him. Seth is 10 months old...

    I will pray for God's gentle hand that He lifts you, blesses you with unwavering faith and plants your footing solid. If you ever want to correspond, please do. I would like that...


    Seth's story can be found at


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