Winter Song

This is my winter song..
December never felt so wrong
Cause you're not where you belong
Inside my heart

Is love alive?..

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Last week I was pregnant.. or at least I thought I was. A life, a child was growing inside of me.. so I thought.

Our baby's heart stopped beating at 7 weeks and 3 days. Just days after we saw her for the first and only time.. heard her heart beat fast and strong. For weeks my body has deceived me, letting me believe I was nurturing our growing baby. But she was gone..

I've been wrestling with what to share on this blog and what to keep private.. I had a post all ready to share with you last Thursday about our excitement at being 13 weeks pregnant.. a third of my way to a child in my arms. It's all I've ever wanted. I was scheduled to see my doctor that afternoon and thought that would be a good and safe day to share our happy news..

I just feel so different now. Like I'm a different person altogether.. maybe I am.

I thought about taking a break from this blog and coming back in a few weeks with a mildly humorous story of our guest bathroom makeover or a recounting of my crazy New Year's Eve in Kansas City 4 or 5 years ago.. and maybe no one would be the wiser.. but I think of the 10 or so people that read this blog, most of you are my family and close friends, and you already know that I was pregnant last week. And this week I am not.


I started to bleed and cramp Tuesday night. We guessed it was nothing- normal even- but decided to check it out anyway. I was scared but sure all was fine..

Our worst fear was realized.. our baby's heart had stopped beating weeks ago.

And my heart broke.


I have been very blessed in my life- this is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. My husband has not been so lucky, which hurts me even more.. to be a part of more pain for him..


I had a D and C on Friday afternoon. I couldn't have any food or drink after midnight on Thursday, which meant no pain medication beforehand. Obviously I don't know what actual labor feels like, but I think I now have a good idea.. my body contracted every one or two minutes and I've never felt anything like it..

Now I just feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Up and even.. and then crashing down. How do you explain to someone you love that you're just sad? That's all.. sad. And it's a sadness that has no respect for the other aspects of your life- your work, your responsibilities..


I'm not worried about becoming depressed- I know myself too well and see things as a whole too clearly to be completely overcome. But for now, I'm letting myself be swept away when the feelings come. I know it's hard on my husband- I wish it weren't. All he wants to do is comfort me.

Did you know I'm married to the best man in the world? I am.



I rest in the knowledge that our baby- fearfully and wonderfully made.. knit together in my womb- is in heaven with Jesus. What better place could she be?


Thank you to all who have and are continuing to pray for us.. I covet them right now.


The only thing I have ever known with certainty is that I was made to be a mother. It's the only thing I have ever longed for, without a moment of hesitation or thought...

And I know I will be. One day.

-Aja