Our toilet is angry

Sigh.

I thought it was going to be such a nice, relaxing St. Patty's Day... I, of all people, should know by now that any major holiday* is just asking for problems with the commode.

I got to sleep in a little this morning- I had to go by a client's office around 9:30, so I stayed at home and logged on beforehand rather than drive all the way downtown.

About 9:10, as I am putting the finishing touches on my eye makeup and trying to shove my feet into some gorgeous and freakishly uncomfortable heels, I start to hear a noise.. an unnatural noise. And it was coming from the toilet.

Let me just insert here, that I do NOT like toilets. Don't even like the word. I think they're gross, disgusting, likely full of the worst kind of germs, and I hate, HATE when people leave the lid open for all to walk by and see. YEEECK people! Don't you know that stuff literally FLIES OUT when you flush with the lid open?? For like, a six foot radius?? Tell me you haven't gotten that email forward with all the statistics on it at least 3 times! Your whole bathroom is contaminated. Luckily, after much subtle hinting and many exasperated sighs and lid slamming during our first year of marriage, hubby nearly always shuts the lid. Hallelujah. And yes, I am one of the lucky gals who never had to deal with a husband who leaves the actual seat open. Oh the horror.

Anyway, back to the noise. It was all loud and angry and gargle-y and mixed in with this rushing wind sound that came from outside and below and everywhere and I thought a tornado was about to come and take me and Toto (I mean Duke) straight to the Emerald City.

I straight up yelled at the thing and started grabbing everything close to it to chuck out of the way of what I thought was an impending overflow. OF SEWAGE. Oh heaven help me.

So here I am, in my 5 inch heels and pencil skirt, wildly grabbing old towels from the cabinet to throw down on the ground, screaming at this thing that "No you will NOT overflow! I will NOT ALLOW IT!"

About this time Duke made a mad dash for the doggy door. Don't blame the guy.

Mr. Porcelain calmed down long enough for me to peek in the bowl and see that strangely enough, things look pretty normal, and then call hubby to fill him in on the exciting news. He was just ecstatic, let me tell you. I was all set to call the plumber but hubby wasn't thrilled with the idea of paying someone $90 just to come jiggle the handle and magically fix it all.

Then the noise started again, and I can only imagine what a sight I was- standing 5 feet away from the thing, leaning my upper body as far out as I could with my arm stretched toward the bowl, waving my phone around but making sure my face was turned away (just in case), yelling "can you HEAR it?? That! That noise! Can you hear THAT?"

My guess is his whole office could hear it. And me.

So, genius that he is, he suggests that I turn off the water to the toilet. Huh. Who knew there was such an option?? So I creep down there (righty tighty lefty loosey) and turn it as fast as I can, just sure it's about to explode on top of me.

The noise gurgles to a stop. WHEW! Then lo and behold I hear a noise behind me! One of our double sinks is now freaking out. OMG WILL THIS NEVER END? I stare down at it in horror as Duke cautiously peeks only his nose and one eye around the door. Hubby has hung up to call our go-to handy man (MIL's boyfriend) while I give the sink a verbal thrashing. Duke is long gone.

The sink finally quiets down and I creep around the house with my ear cocked, listening for the faintest hint of water-like sound. Nothing. So I start to make my way back to the offending bathroom and hear some noise. "NO MEANS NO!" I yell and it shuts up. That's more like it.

After another call to the hubs, who has no additional sparks of genius to offer, I decide to roll the dice and get the heck outta Dodge. On my way out, I let Duke know it's probably a good idea to spend some quality time outdoors, annoying the neighbors today. He agrees. My boy doesn't like loud noises.

Gah. I must say, this was not the best way to start off the day. I would have headed straight to the bar for a pint of green beer if I thought it was at all socially acceptable at 10 in the morning. Oh wait..

I did however, call my Dad on the way in for some fatherly advice. I still call him for all my toilet bowl issues. And car stuff. Don't tell hubby. Anyway, he let me know that it probably has something to with the main water lines to our neighborhood and not our actual plumbing. So that's good news. I think. Something about back pressure something something. I did call the water department, and Teresa was kind enough to let me know that she had no idea what the problem might be but to call back if it was still a problem tonight. Uh huh. Sure thing T-bone.

To say I have been thoroughly toilet bowl traumatized would be an understatement. It's not at all lost on me that these things only occur when it's me and the dog at home. It's like it waits until hubby leaves to bring out the big guns.. And when hubby starts giving me the stink eye, there's really only so much I can blame on the dog. He's already taking the rap for eating all the oreos.



*Last Christmas Eve this very toilet had the nerve to actually, physically overflow. I will save that tale for another time.. one toilet story at a time, people.