Gah. Today has been a day. And it's only noon.
As I've mentioned before- I work from home. And only part-time, thank goodness. But with this job and projects for Lilac Row, it's days like this that I feel like I just woke up and blinked and half the day is gone. And- oh, yeah!- my daughter is running around in the background, fending for herself.
Oh, the guilt. I just put her down for a nap and I can't even tell you how many days I have literally counted the hours in my head until the next time she will go to sleep... so that I will have some uninterrupted time to cross something off my list.
I feel horrible even typing that out loud.
That's not the kind of mother I want to be. I want to be present. I want to be fun. I want to answer her the first time she asks me to "hold you mama" or "mama help you?", not the 5th. I don't want her to remember me sitting in front of this blasted computer all day long.
But it's so hard to fit everything in. Sometimes I just physically don't know how to do it. Does anyone? If so, please enlighten me.
And here's the thing- I'm pretty sure I know what my problem is. I take on too many things. Self-imposed, not other people requesting things. It's just me and my little over-active, over-achieving mind. Which is selfish. My time is not only my own. It's my husband's and it's my daughter's. And above all? It's God's.
I feel like I need to fall on my knees and just cry and ask for forgiveness right now. I have been so, so selfish lately. Everything I do- each thing I make a priority- is of my own choosing. Not once have I stopped to ask Jesus if this is what He wants me to be doing at his particular moment. And far too often I do whatever the heck it is I want to do, rather than considering what my husband wants or needs. Even if that just means sitting on the couch next to him, holding his hand- without my phone or a project in the other hand. I mean, how hard is that?
And my girl? Well her needs are far more apparent. And sure, I meet them.. food, diapers, hugs, play. But largely with only half of my attention. Always thinking of something else. Of all that I need to do. And is any of it more important than that sweet baby and her request to "hold you mama"?
Absolutely not.
don't be too hard on yourself....your speaking for "many" a mom out there...who knows just what your saying & can identify with your situation! you asked for advice...try and remember to enjoy the journey...."time" is one thing that we don't get to do over...no rewinds! :)
ReplyDeleteOh girl. Just don't. Cause you just can't. I have only been a mom for a short time and I don't know one thing from another. Except, we ALL feel guilt. WE ALL FEEL IT. No matter what we do! As women, we are our own worst enemy. We have so much to give and want to give 150% to all of those things. Being that we are naturally born with a servants heart there is NO WAY that we can without feeling like we are shorting something. And the crap part of it is; I love volunteering-but that takes me away from my kids....so I volunteer that makes me happy/fulfills me & makes me happy/better mom also takes me away from my kids which makes me crap-bag mom. So where do we win?? Well, I'm not sure. But I do take comfort in the fact that just because I DO care and I DO feel guilt means I am doing something right.
ReplyDeleteHowever, having read your blog, seeing your sweet pics of Evie and even meeting you....I think you need to give yourself a much needed break!! You are doing great, Aja!! Evie is a lucky girl and your hubs should be giving you a foot rub nightly!!
Totally. I feel this in my heart..daily!
ReplyDelete:( I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I wrote a post very similar to this several months ago. I feel like I am never giving 100% to anything anymore. When I'm working, I'm thinking about being with Cooper, and when I'm with him, I'm thinking about the million things that need (but not REALLY) to be done at home. I think in general women are such multi-taskers that it's hard for us to truly focus on any one thing, but it stinks extra when that thing is your child. And for the record, I often count the minutes until the next sleep too. And I'm not even home with him that much (which is another guilt all on it's own). Evie knows how loved she is, you are a GREAT mom!! Have you thought about letting her go to a mother's day out program a couple of times a week? That way you could have some uninterrupted time to focus on work and Lilac Row, and she could get some friend time. Then when she's home, you may not be AS distracted with everything else that needs to be done. That may not be the solution you're looking for, just a thought :)
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