Gah. Today has been a day. And it's only noon.
As I've mentioned before- I work from home. And only part-time, thank goodness. But with this job and projects for Lilac Row, it's days like this that I feel like I just woke up and blinked and half the day is gone. And- oh, yeah!- my daughter is running around in the background, fending for herself.
Oh, the guilt. I just put her down for a nap and I can't even tell you how many days I have literally counted the hours in my head until the next time she will go to sleep... so that I will have some uninterrupted time to cross something off my list.
I feel horrible even typing that out loud.
That's not the kind of mother I want to be. I want to be present. I want to be fun. I want to answer her the first time she asks me to "hold you mama" or "mama help you?", not the 5th. I don't want her to remember me sitting in front of this blasted computer all day long.
But it's so hard to fit everything in. Sometimes I just physically don't know how to do it. Does anyone? If so, please enlighten me.
And here's the thing- I'm pretty sure I know what my problem is. I take on too many things. Self-imposed, not other people requesting things. It's just me and my little over-active, over-achieving mind. Which is selfish. My time is not only my own. It's my husband's and it's my daughter's. And above all? It's God's.
I feel like I need to fall on my knees and just cry and ask for forgiveness right now. I have been so, so selfish lately. Everything I do- each thing I make a priority- is of my own choosing. Not once have I stopped to ask Jesus if this is what He wants me to be doing at his particular moment. And far too often I do whatever the heck it is I want to do, rather than considering what my husband wants or needs. Even if that just means sitting on the couch next to him, holding his hand- without my phone or a project in the other hand. I mean, how hard is that?
And my girl? Well her needs are far more apparent. And sure, I meet them.. food, diapers, hugs, play. But largely with only half of my attention. Always thinking of something else. Of all that I need to do. And is any of it more important than that sweet baby and her request to "hold you mama"?